2013 Predictions!
By: Matt Salazar
First of
all, I’d like to wish everyone a Happy New Year, and I hope everyone had a fun
yet safe night last night! Now, normally I write about the NFL during this time
of year, and I’ll be writing a playoff predictor soon, but in honor of the
calendar switch, I’ll be making bold predictions for 2013 because my first bold
prediction column were so spot on (sort of). So without further ado, here is my
list of things that WILL happen in 2013.
1. Kanye & Kim’s child will be given the worst name ever given
to a celebrity’s offspring.
This one
has to be a given right? Kanye is one of the most eccentric celebrities out
there, which never bodes well for a child’s name, and Kim will do just about anything for more publicity. This is a recipe for a name so ridiculous it will
make names like Apple Martin look normal. Expect something along the lines of
Kanye Immaletufinish Jr., anything starting with an @ symbol or a hashtag,
something containing the word “Gangnam,” or Lil Yeezy. This child may also
challenge the Brangelina kids for most famous celebrity of 2030, but that’s to
come in a later prediction column.
2. A famous celebrity will come out of the closet, and the biggest
debate will be whether or not anybody is surprised.
Two obvious
candidates come to mind here; Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars. If either of these
celebrities came out of the closet, would you really be surprised? I know I
wouldn’t. Dark horse candidates include Katy Perry, Brittany Spears, Ryan
Seacrest, the entire cast of HIMYM (because NPH is already out), and mega dark
horse John Stamos (to try and bring himself back into the limelight).
3. John Gruden will be hired as the new coach of the Dallas Cowboys
right before the calendar turns to 2014.
We may have
to wait a while for this one, but I just have a hunch. Assuming Jason Garrett
somehow survives this offseason, he definitely won’t survive next season when
the Cowboys are eliminated from the playoffs right before Christmas 2013.
Knowing Jerry Jones, he’ll make a big splash in the coaching market and heavily
pursue Gruden, who turns down the opportunity to coach this season due to the
lack of attractive jobs. Gruden will retain Romo, and his strong personality
will reduce the meddling of Jerry Jones, and once that happens, watch out for
the Cowboys in 2014. Am I getting ahead of myself? Oops.
4. The Green Bay Packers will win the Super Bowl.
I won’t get
too in depth here because I have a column coming for this, but a home playoff
game against Cristian Ponder is the closest thing to a guaranteed win this weekend. A road trip to San Fran would be tough, but it could be a
time to take advantage of Kaep’s inexperience. After that, would they really be
scared of a potential NFC championship game in the Georgia Dome? Watch out for
the Packers. They know what it takes and they have what it takes to make it.
And once they meet the Patriots in the big game (which also will happen), they
may be the only team in the playoffs with more firepower than Belichick and the
evil Patriot Empire.
5. The World Series Champion will not come from Los Angeles or
Canada.
It may be
extremely early, but some of the WS favorites include the LA Dodgers and
Angels, and the Blue Jays. The Dodgers and Blue Jays are going to be similar
cases in my opinion. If it didn’t work in Miami/Boston, what makes you think it
will work in Toronto/Los Angeles? Sure the players are talented, but who’s to
say they all play well together this time? Yes there are new pieces in play and
I really like Don Mattingly as the Dodgers manager, but I feel like players’ egos
may come into play here. I like Toronto even less despite their infusion of
talented youth with the strong vets from Miami. Health will also be a big
problem with both of these teams.
In the case
of the Angels, I fully expect them to be better than the Dodgers and Jays, but
will they have the pitching to make it through three rounds of playoff
baseball? After losing Haren and Greinke I’m not so sure. They definitely have
enough offense to cruise through the regular season, but when they have to face
Verlander, Sabathia, Scherzer, and other top pitchers, will the offense be
enough to make up for the lack of pitching? Time will tell, but I expect the
tubby twins (Fielder and Cabrera) to hoist the WS trophy in October. HOWEVER,
if Mike Trout 2013 repeats Mike Trout 2012’s performance, I don’t see anyone
beating the Angels. Yes they have Pujols and Hamilton, but Trout is the best
player on that team and in the entire MLB. Don’t give me that look I’m serious.
Trout is a transcendent player that will be among history’s greats when his
career is over, and he has the potential to lead this star-laden team to a
championship.
6. The NBA finals will look identical to last year’s, as the Heat
will defeat the Thunder in 5 games.
Lebron is
the best player in NBA history. No, he doesn’t have 6 rings, but he is a better
talent than Jordan. When James turns his game up and gets that killer instinct
like he did in last year’s playoffs, there’s not a force on earth that can stop
him. The Heat will ride James’ leadership and Ray Allen’s 3-point shooting to
their second of what will be four straight championships.
7. News will break of a Longest Yard-esque point shaving scandal
involving a high-profile NFL player.
Can it be
any more obvious as to who will be the suspect of this scandal? I would be
extremely surprised if it was anyone other than Jay Cutler. Who else constantly
has that smug “I’m going to totally eff with you” look than Cutler? He even has
the hot wife to go along with it! Look for Cutler to be locked up after
crashing Kristin Cavallari’s car and then lead the Illinois State Penitentiary
to a heartwarming victory over the guards coached by Cutler’s longtime
arch-rival, Mike Martz.
8. The NHL as a league will fold in 2013.
Sorry
hockey fans, but this will be the worst year of your life. If 2012 wasn’t bad
enough, get ready for the Hockeypocalypse this year. The evil genius known as
Gary Bettman was sent as a league assassin by David Stern to eliminate the
NBA’s competition, and he is almost done with his work on the NHL. The labor
stoppage has no signs of ending, and loyal hockey fans are just about done with
these lockouts under Bettman. This will reach a point where NHL players simply
refuse to return to the States to play hockey and the league will cease to
exist. With the looming impact of concussion lawsuits on the NFL and the decreasing
interest in the MLB, David Stern is well on his way to be the king of sports
and very well may attain his life goal of world domination.
9. The highest-grossing superhero movie of 2013 will be Man of
Steel.
The
superhero movie lineup for 2013 is unbelievable, including Man of Steel, Iron
Man 3, Thor 2, and the Wolverine. All we have to bank on now is trailers, but I
believe Man of Steel has shown the most promise out of these superhero flicks,
and it doesn’t hurt that Superman is the most famous superhero of all time.
10. For my obligatory Bills prediction, 2013 will be our year.
You can say
I’m an overly optimistic fan, or that every next year will be “our year,” but
after the firing of Chan Gailey and today’s “passing of the torch” from Ralph
Wilson to Russ Brandon, things seem to finally be headed in a different
direction. To relate to you soon-to-be former hockey fans, Russ Brandon sounded
like Terry Pegula did at his press conference held just after he purchased the
Sabres. Brandon knows that the time for the Bills to become a contender is now,
and assured that finances will not hinder the Bills any longer. In my opinion,
this is Brandon indirectly pointing out that Ralph Wilson was holding the Bills
back, and now that he is no longer in charge, it is Brandon’s job to turn the
team into a championship contender. He knows this starts with finding a franchise
coach and quarterback, and that is precisely what Brandon is setting out to do.
Only time will tell if the team is truly headed in the right direction, but the
pieces are in place and now with the right mindset in the front office, I highly expect 2013 to be the year the playoff drought ends.
horrible predictions!
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